I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
