in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
