mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
