I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
