I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
