omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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