Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
