i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
