I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
