Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
