apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
