What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
