I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
