i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
