I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
