This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
