Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
