Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
