I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
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