shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
