i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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