My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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