is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
