im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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