rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
