On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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