one word: firstdatebathroomanal
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
