Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
