I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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