just tell him i said nine months
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
