hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
should my penis look like a turkey
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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