who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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