yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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