We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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