I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
