Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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