Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
