stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
We're too hungover to prance.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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