moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
