Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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