sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
