If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
