moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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