our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
