i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
