I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
