Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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