Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Alive.
So much puke
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
