If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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