every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
