Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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